  May be seen driving his mom’s Accord, or the new “youth-oriented” Camry. Click image to enlarge |
Article by Justin Pritchard
Uncertainty is the primary thing that keeps used-car shoppers up at night, as they wonder if they’re getting a good deal, if the seller is hiding something, or whether the vehicle in question will provide years of worry-free motoring. Was the vehicle loved, respected and cherished? Or was the potential new ride in question neglected or abused or treated like a play-thing?
Remember – if in doubt, a mechanic can give your potential new ride a going-over quickly and affordably, checking out major systems and components for signs of expensive trouble. Your favourite mechanic can also expertly look for warning signs that the ride you’re considering was once owned by any of the following folks.
Name: Neutral-Drop Ned
Age: 18
Likes: Vaporizing other people’s tires, Metallica, staying out late, Fubar movies, chirping his buds
Dislikes: His parents, stop signs, the local police force, traction control
Habits: Ned might drive the family Camry, but that doesn’t stop him from engaging in racecar-style antics every chance he gets. Ned is like a motoring Honey Badger – he doesn’t give a hoot. He loves the smell of burning tires, loves the sound of the rev-limiter, and has minimal between-the-ears horsepower when it comes to understanding the concepts of vehicular longevity and repair costs. Often, Ned gives into peer pressure, possibly engaging in Neutral-Drops to impress his buddies and (especially) the ladies by engaging maximum revs in neutral and then slamming the transmission into DRIVE for a wicked-awesome burnout. Further, Ned operates the throttle, steering and brakes like on/off switches and has no mechanical sympathy.
Concerns: Neutral Drop Ned’s car likely has some degree of transmission damage, tire and brake wear – and isn’t likely to live as long and healthy a life as if someone a little more, er, gentle, drove it. Pay close attention to transmission shift quality, noting any slipping, surging or clunking. Be sure the shifter moves smoothly between all positions, and note that a knocking noise from under the hood could be the result of a baffed motor or transmission mount. Scrutinize the tires and brakes to be sure Ned hasn’t been driving the model in question. Check the transmission fluid for signs of excessive contamination, or a black, burned look or smell. Ned’s dad wonders why he has to replace the rubber every few months, but this time around, he’ll try and pass the bill for new tires onto you. If you or your mechanic suspects that Ned has had some seat time in the model you’re considering, move to another model for maximum confidence.
   Call it a wagon or crossover, the important thing is trunk space enough for a day’s antiquing. Click image to enlarge |
Name: Oblivious Olga
Age: 54
Likes: Yoga, Payless BOGO sales, gardening, Pinterest, cherub figurines
Dislikes: Her daughter-in-law, visiting her mechanic
Habits: Olga knows the important thing about cars – than they have keys that you turn to make them go. To Olga, operating a vehicle requires starting the engine and driving off, with occasional stops to refuel. Simple! She’s not too concerned about oil changes, maintenance, brake servicing or fluid flushes. In fact, she doesn’t know what engine oil, maintenance, brake servicing or fluid flushes are. Her last oil change was in 2009, her brakes have been squealing for a year, and her air filter is more full of crap than the dog park after the snow melts.
Concerns: Olga’s car hasn’t been subjected to regular maintenance – the all-important factor when it comes to a vehicle having a long and healthy life. Usually, an owner’s manual has a schedule or log in the back where the dealer mechanic can record the factory-prescribed maintenance jobbies as they’re performed. Olga’s owner’s manual is still wrapped in plastic. Her engine oil is a grimy syrup being pumped through a contaminant-encrusted filter. If that doesn’t cause catastrophic engine damage, her timing belt, which could snap at any moment because it’s never been changed, might.
Olga’s car has limited stopping power because the brakes have never been serviced, and it’s probably achieving dismal fuel mileage too – thanks to that dirty air filter and filthy spark-plugs. Best defense against buying a car formerly owned by Olga? Look for a model with full service records available, or ask a mechanic’s opinion as to whether the vehicle appears to have been well maintained.
    This duo may command a variety of vehicles, be especially wary of the luxury SUV variant. Click image to enlarge |
Name: Collision Carrie and Smashy Shonequia
Age: 23 and 25
Likes: Selfies, texting the boys, shoes, TLC, those little dogs you carry in a purse
Dislikes: Things that are gross, scrubs, dead iPhone batteries
Habits: These two sisters love spray tan, shoe-shopping, and designer micro-mutts carried around in designer purses. They also love texting, selfies, texting their selfies, and taking selfies of themselves texting. And, what’s the best place to take a selfie to text to your girls? In the car on the way to the shoe store at 110 km/h. Like, duh!
Concerns: Carrie and Shonequia’s selfie-texting leaves little time for paying attention to the motoring world around them. As a result, their Mustang Convertible has rear-ended numerous other vehicles, side-swiped a few others, and lost control, roundhouse-kicking a guardrail, more than once. Daddy’s insurance rates have skyrocketed, but thanks to the nearby body shop, the girl’s beloved ride gets new paint as often as their fingernails.
So, this car might look pristine outside – but beneath the skin, damage to the vehicle’s frame, alignment, or other issues may result. If the repair job is of low quality, the vehicle’s finish may peel, flake off or age prematurely. There could be Bondo or other fillers used excessively, or poorly-attached bumpers, and other issues hiding under the skin. Look carefully at this ride, ensuring that all panels line up, that it passes the magnet test for the presence of body filler, and spend the few bucks on a CarProof or similar report, just to be safe.
   The more adventurous folk in her bridge club may opt for silver. Click image to enlarge |
Name: Beige Betsy
Age: 107
Likes: Church, sweaters, springtime, Matlock, things that she remembers
Dislikes: Teenaged nincompoops, noise, driving
Habits: Betsy is a fan of beige. Her clothes are beige. Her 1950’s era living room furniture is beige. And, of course, her LeSabre is beige, too. She often parks by touch, never accelerates, and never pushes her luck by driving near the speed limit like a squirrely hooligan. Betsy’s family doesn’t worry too much about her car being maintained, since she drives about 87 kilometres a year.
Concerns: Some of the concerns with Betsy’s car will be easy to spot. Check the body, and especially the bumpers, for signs of damage. If you notice above-average levels of scraping, denting or scuffing, call it into pricing negotiations. Further, although Betsy’s car is likely very clean and low mileage, a full check for rust, especially in pesky, hidden areas like the inner, lower edges of the doors and trunk, should be considered mandatory. The exhaust system, which has collected moisture but never been hot enough to burn it all off, may be excessively rusty, too.
Betsy’s car might suffer from electrical component issues caused by an improperly-charged battery – since it only gets driven occasionally and for short periods. Check Engine lights or fussy operation of certain vehicle systems, especially on a newer model, are key warning signs. And, since Betsy’s engine is likely to be carboned-up from years of frustratingly gentle throttle application and limited time spent at operating temperature, be on the lookout for signs of a rough idle, hesitation or inconsistent power delivery which can be caused by clogged injectors or valve-gunk buildup.
And remember – although oil changes are typically done after a given mileage, oil can absorb moisture and other contaminants in a car that sits for extended periods – so be sure to check the condition of all of Betsy’s fluids. Best defense against buying a car formerly owned by Betsy? Ask a mechanic to look at the battery and charging system, exhaust system, and all fluids, for peace of mind. At least the seats will be pristine, since they’re all covered in doilies.
   The author is personally acquainted with many such specimens… Click image to enlarge |
Name: Mud-Bog Mike
Age: 26
Likes: winches, obnoxious auxiliary lighting, truck-nuts, off-road tire noise, his sister
Dislikes: Cleaning things, city folk, crossovers
Habits: Mike loves his 4×4, and unlike most pampered city folk, he takes his ride out into the mud every weekend with his buddies for fun and amusement. Mike lives for getting stuck, flinging turf from his tires, and getting farther into a field of rutted slop than his buds for bragging rights. Crossing deep water, whacking stuff with his machine’s underbelly and climbing steep things are all weekly activities for this fella. He’s had a few inches of muddy water in his cabin, more than once, thanks to various off-road whoopsies.
Concerns: Mike’s truck will probably clean up real nice. He might even take the pressure washer to the underside to clean off the sand, impacted dirt and grass hanging from his frame. And he’ll blast out the wheelwells, shampoo the engine and clean the cabin carefully, too. After all – nobody wants to buy a truck that looks like its spent 360 days a year as some slack-jawed yokels beloved mud-rocket, right?
Thing is, you’ll want to be sure Mike has taken care of things beneath the skin, too. There’s probably muddy water in his differentials, and maybe his transmission. This is very bad news. Electronic components inside the vehicle may have been submerged in water when Mike tried to cross that stream his buddies swore “wasn’t that deep”. As a result, they’ll likely operate with limited consistency and cause frustrating and difficult-to-diagnose issues down the line.
Wheel-bearings, axle seals, driveshaft joints, brake caliper seals and other pricey bits may have been exposed to excessive wear from use while surrounded by mud, dirty water and sand, and the underside of Mike’s truck likely has numerous dents and scrapes that’ll invite premature rust. His cabin might smell musty and mildewey, possibly like a damp basement or a gym bag. Dampness may be apparent in the carpeting, and dirt, sand and rust may be present beneath it.
Best defense? Trucks and other 4×4 vehicles should be put in the air on a mechanic’s hoist for a full underbelly inspection, just to be safe. Have the mechanic note any signs of damage, rust, leaks or other issues caused by careless off-roading. Further, have him check the condition and level of all fluids, just to be safe.
  Fantasy vs Reality. Click image to enlarge |
Name: Tuner Timmy
Age: 21
Likes: Ferraris, Lamborghinis, sticker-wraps, Altezza lights, smack-talking haters, underglow
Dislikes: Haters, cars that are stock, running out of plasti-dip
Habits: Timmy has high-performance car aspirations but works nine hours a week and frequently eats at a restaurant with a 99-cent menu. He can’t have the 458 Italia or Aventador from the poster on his bedroom / parent’s basement wall, but that won’t stop him from buying all sorts of low-quality add-on parts and half-assing them onto his Cobalt or Sentra for extra cool factor until he hits it big one day.
Concerns: Timmy’s car has xenon lights, a body kit, lowering springs, a custom stereo system, a magnaflow exhaust, intake, bright red spark-plug wires and maybe even a turbo kit, all fabbed-up and installed by him and his buddies in the driveway.
On the surface, some of these parts make nice add-ons. But, bear in mind, buying a vehicle upgraded with low-quality parts, low-quality installation and un-professional modification of its systems is a great way to wind up with a serious headache.
Improperly installed parts can pose a safety hazard, fire hazard, and adversely affect fuel economy and durability. They may even be illegal. Low-quality parts, including that set of seventeen-dollar xenon projectors from eBay and that body-kit from Uzbekistan that was painted with a few cans of spray-bomb, aren’t likely to last. And, hacking into a vehicles wiring for aftermarket lights, stereo equipment and the like, especially on newer vehicles, can be a disaster waiting to happen.
Turbo kits installed to a non-turbo car can be a naughty bit of fun. Or, when installed on a budget without proper supporting modifications and engine re-tuning, they can send rod-number-3 through the side of the block when you try to peel out of the Timmies drive-thru, which is embarrassing.
Best defense? Avoid a modified ride where possible, unless you’re up on the tuning scene, the parts, and how they’ll work with the model in question. Some ‘upgrades’ are typically safe and should cause no alarm. Others aren’t. If in doubt, move to another model or ask a mechanic for a closer look.
